[You would not expect that I wrote this within one hour. This was during an hour after someone had to leave our home. Tonight. This is semi-autobiographical. I just wrote what my heart could speak out. This is the result. It's very long so you shouldn't bother reading.]
You close your eyes once more. For the last time. For one more time.
You swarm an embrace of the red petals of roses floating freely and sorrounding you. You lean your back at the rough cement edges of the elliptical tub you assume yourself bathing. Then you slowly open your eyes. Everything you dread is here now. You hug tightly the petals your two veined arms have collected. But you choose to let them go. Free them again on this exact time. For one more time.
You engulf the blood in your two trembling hands and gently wash your face. You feel more the hunger that's inside you than the tears that are now rolling down your cheeks. Afraid that the world will see them. Now vultures start flying in all directions above you. How come vultures entered your bathroom? You panic. You start to lose sanity with time. For one more time.
You stand naked then make a hurried rushing to the only place you're comfortable: your bed. With its huge dirty-white blanket, you swiftly cover your whole bare body pressing its entirety to its limits. Later, you feel your back in a rough sensation and in extreme hardness. You curl up, examine its texture and zoom your eyes. Black ashes now kiss your palms. You are sitting on a platform of charcoal. The vultures are making death-defying noise at the next moment. You cover your ears real hard. You demand a silent peace this time. For one more time.
Now you see black vines start to crawl, reaching the ironed metal bars of your bed. You are going ecstatic. You stand again then walk backwards. The vultures are gone. The vines stop creeping 3 meters away. Just as you think that the room's wall is a step away from your back, you drop your jaws with the panorama. Everything is void, wide and lifeless. That one last long step! You realize you're falling off a cliff. It's totally dark now as you fall. You both close your eyes and fists, telling your self it's the last minute of your life. You are going to die again this time. For one more time.
You are supposed to hear a bang. A big bang. Something that will smash your flesh, rip your skin and break your bones. However, there's something wrong with the way you fall. It's taking more than the time expected. It seems unheavenly. It seems eternal. You stretch your arms wide open to feel the air. But there's no air. You're not falling anywhere. You are already lying down. You go back to your knees, since you don't see anything. There's nothing but darkness now. You shout your soul out loud. Screaming words your own mind cannot even comprehend. There are only repetitions of words you speak. Echoes reaching as far as you cannot reckon. You tap a rock by chance and lay your head there. You are imprisoned in the darkness again. For one more time.
You start to walk but voices are inside your head, talking to you one by one. Voices that are your sunrise and your sunset. Voices that are your dawn and your twilight. It squeezes your heart but you choose to bear the pain. You still do. You make one step and remember your childhood years spent on the ricefields. You wanted to go to school but if you did, your large family would starve with you. When all your siblings walked away from home, you also did. You thought of a paradise that could have been waiting on the field's other end. But you were not loved. And hearts were broken. For one more time.
You did all jobs that enhanced your weak body and narrow mind. Even reaching the depths of your dishonored soul. But you believed in yourself. And so you lived. All by yourself. You met this person who was different than anybody else you knew. This person possessed a soul only you could reach the essence. Something sparked and you just went there in front of God promising things to your soulmate. There was nobody there but God and your soulmate with a smile that meant redemption. So you started a family life. But hearts were broken again. For one more time.
You had normal kids. First was a boy you loved so much. Second came a girl you offered your whole life too. But you had more kids you loved and cared as well. You noticed the need to go away from home so that your kids would live a life you always dreamed of giving them. So at their early years, you did step out and kissed your spouse, your kids and your home a temporary goodbye. Then you left again. So hearts were broken. For one more time.
After years of struggle,you were back home. Finally! You embraced your kids who wanted you long enough. As long as a lightyear not yet reaching the surface of something cosmic. You looked at your spouse's eyes. They spoke of excitement, tenderness and gratitude. You looked at the eyes of your kids. You saw nothing but burning flames from their innocence. It had no meaning. For you. But it did for them. You lived and worked at home finally. Watching your kids not grow up but mature. They already grew. They just had to need a supplement. So the rest was living your entire life with your family. But hearts were still broken that time. For one more time.
You didn't know what's wrong with yourself too. So you drew yourself out finding it. However, you reached your ultimate darkness. You started lighting up cigarettes that destroyed your determination. You started drinking bottles of liquor that broke your faith. You came home all gone berserk. Destroying things you have bought with patience, devastating the hearts of people whose love who doubted and tearing apart a whole family relationship which wasn't whole to start with. You have surrendered yourself to the demon that kept you on chase. When you woke up after that night, you promised to change. But it broke hearts still. For some more time. For one more time.
You still did what you weren't supposed to do. Your family gave up. The people around you contempted your existence. So you chose to be alone again and went somewhere far. Somewhere no one can follow you, see you, bully you and blame you. For being you. Or for being who you can never be. And now you are in this nightmare. An endless dream you are running away from. But can't escape. A bad dream that you always regret of dreaming. You tell yourself it's too late. No one was there to see you. Not your spouse, not your kids and not even the God you refused to believe with since you were born in this world you call hell. Why does everything have be this way? Ask yourself why. Deeply. Wholeheartedly. Soulfully. For one more time.
You still keep on walking. Taking those steps that lead nowhere. But then, another strange voice is talking to you now. No, it's not from inside your head. It's from somewhere else. "Come to me and you will find the light.", the voice tells you. But you curse the voice. You scream all your anguish, all the pain of the past years, all the dreams that shattered, all the hopes that torn down, all the hearts that lost their wings and all the lives you wasted. But the voice tells you now, "Just believe." For one more time.
You take one more step then bow your head. You are praying now. Some kind of thing you never did before. With whole heart and with the purest intentions, you ask for forgiveness. You ask to have all the things that meant to you be brought back. But there's nothing now. It's still dark. Luckily, except for the small light you see when you raise your head. It is your extinct that pulls you there now. Then finally, after steps that you give your entire heart, a hand is offered to you. You hold it. You are now hugging someone you don't see. All you know is that there is light. Then the voice tells you, "You have nothing to worry anymore. You are safe". And you just answer, "YES. I AM DONE. FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME".#
