December 22, 2012
Being left alone
is one of the scenes I never would want to be in. When you’re all alone, it
seems like you do whatever it is that strikes your mind. In my case, multiple
things strike my head but I feel like freezing every time I decide to do any of
them. Anywhere I look right now is familiar places but not familiar faces. It’s
weird that it’s my last Christmas break in college yet I am the last one to go
home. Well I think it is just complementary for me to be left behind because it
won’t be too long for me to do the same – for good. I keep on listening to Sara
Bareilles’ “Gravity” on repeat right now. This room is already cleaned up and
fixed. I am battling with the sunrays that hit my eyes. I am suppressing some
old emotions inside me. The year is about to end and still, I don’t want to
close this chapter of my life yet. 2012, how can you be so perfectly
bittersweet?
I have lived
this year like the way I am writing this one right now. I don’t care if I go
wrong. I know that I already committed grammatical errors or even misspelled
some words. Still, I continue and refuse to correct them. It’s very comforting
to watch this paper clean despite my scrawled handwriting. I do not want to see
the bad side of things. Because when I do, I get stuck with it like a little
kid who cannot get over easily with his lost toy. If some people drink, smoke,
sketch, dance, sleep or party when there is something heavy on their hearts,
this is my version of that – writing. It is my first resort, my primary outlet,
and my way of making my heart and soul meet. Add to this moment the impatient
sunrays that sift through these dusty jalousies beside me. You have no idea how
peace, sweetness and pain are all racing down to the veins in my right hand
competing for words that I should write first. I am calling this a classic afternoon – an afternoon I own
on my own.
As the last days
of this year are ending fast, I thought of writing something like this again
just the way I did few years back. As you can notice, one sentence of this
piece may not conform with or is not coherent with the rest of the other
sentences. Some paragraphs may be purely boring or flat. This is exactly how
write-ups like this should go – unedited, less artistic and defiantly personal.
This is more of an entry in a diary rather than an essay you pass to your
teacher at school. Going back to what I mentioned, I am writing this one as a
recap of my entire year. The moments of triumphs and miseries of these past twelve
months are what I want to relive as I trip down the memory lane. But as
unpredictable as I am, I won’t focus on my 2012 events. Instead, I want to
write this more about the people who left some marks on my incredible year.
Some of them may not even know that they did something to me.
First on the
list is Sir Ron. If someone
would ask me about a person who comes first in my mind when I hear the word
“academics”, it is no other than Sir Ron (the image is Sir Ron sitting on his
table in the middle of the class checking our exams and with a sinister smile
that will make anyone guilty). His existence constantly reminds me of how I
should fix my already screwed-up school life. I admit that at first, I hated
all the way to my bones all those nonstop quizzes and exams he’s given us for
almost two semesters now. But lately, I just feel that I am really fortunate to
have someone like him who involuntarily nags me and tells me to push hard (not
“harder” because I’m not pushing yet.) his presence is supposed to boldly tell
me that I have to star to chase while I am just lying squarely on my bed
watching it and not doing anything. I hope 2013 will be different. I hope I
will be different.
Second is Poop Jeffrey. He is still the kid that I am
most comfortable with here in the campus. Though he doesn’t talk a lot, he
listens so much. It’s the best thing about him that hasn’t changed at all. It
is the reason why I always confide to him even the pettiest things that I have
known, heard or discovered. It feels like he’s always interested to listen in every
word I say. I wish everyone is like that. He is someone who I want to talk to
when everyone around me seems far. I just can’t live without his small but
undying patronage. It’s like he knows that I am already a grown-up lamb but he
knows that I am without a shepherd so I can still get lost and I need guidance.
That is just so adorable that someone younger than you acts like someone who is
older.
Third is Murshied. I remember him during my first
few years in college but I just got actually close to him when I settled down
here in RS. Murshied is someone who gives me fun and something to laugh about
without him knowing it. He acts strange but in not in a bad way. He’s got these
facial and verbal expressions that last on my head for weeks. He’s one of the softest
and gentlest men I know in terms of personality and body language. No further
explanation is really needed for that. Murshied is brilliant. When he’s around,
especially when he becomes silent and read books prepping for a quiz show, I
love even more joining the quiz show. I really am so grateful that I have
someone like him in a circle. He’s already entertaining when he acts naturally.
Fourth is Poop Papay. She keeps on saying to me that
she really likes my personality, the way I act and how I deal with other
people. Knowing this one in a latent way may have been the reason why she has
been of very big help to me. I owe her more than she knows. She becomes more
worried when I tell her all my problems. She doesn’t cease on sending me
messages and talking to me especially when my world is closing in. She even
gave me a birthday present. As per my official remembered record, it was the
first non-food gift I have ever received for my birthday. I never thought that
I had to turn 21 before someone hands me something that is wrapped and is meant
to surprise. I enjoy seeing Papay too. Though she’s really different, I feel
like she has been my sister forever – tiny little sister that is too caring.
Fifth is Sandee. I first met her during AYLC last
February but we didn’t quite have the chance to know each other. But when I
went to Cebu for Aboitiz, that’s when I realized how big of a loss it was for
me not to stick around her. She is so cool, jolly and understanding. She is
someone who I think has a great balance of school and non-academic struggles. I
can hardly name a national program or event for college leaders that she hasn’t
been able to join. She’s very straightforward, honest and accommodating. I know
she’ll be someone big so I want to spend more time with her right now while
she’s still halfway her diamond path.
Sixth comes Jireh. He’s an old friend. I used to know
him as the guy with the curly hair who never missed watching TV every night way
back when we were still residing in RD. When I moved to RS, he also moved out
of RD and spent his last semester in college in a place in the campus I could
hardly locate. I’m bad with geography, I know. But our common denominator still
remains – pop culture and entertainment. When we crossed paths just months ago
and when I had realized that he still replies using his old digits, the endless
talks about movies, novels and TV series started all over again. Jireh has no
idea how all of those updates he keeps on giving me namely X Factor US, The
Vampire Diaries, Nikita, Glee and Revenge are relieving me from both my real
and fictional stress in school. Now that my internet-connected phone is gone,
Jireh’s help is keeping me sober in this modern age.
Seventh is Danilo. I don’t know how we ended up with
the endearment “Pawps”. All I know is that this kid is really different from
what other people say he is. I honestly have heard a lot of things and issues
they throw to him and I still haven’t bumped into a major manifestation with
any of them. Dan is actually someone who doesn’t care much about other people’s
opinion. It is upon these rebellious tendencies of him that I take pleasure in
witnessing. I know that sometimes I
don’t make sense and often I show my weaknesses when I go all out. Dan has been
there constantly asking about what I have been up with. He reminds me of those
younger generations I will leave behind when I graduate. But with someone as
clever as this kid is, everything’s going to be good.
Eight is Jenica. She is actually my first female
friend from ADMU. I would say that getiing to know her is one of the highlights
of my Cebu trip for the 7th Aboitiz FBLS. Her Instagram photos,
Twitter and Facebook updates cannot hide how fortunate her life is. What I am
most amazed of however is the fact that she is still down-to-earth amidst
everything. She is so harmless. So gentle and so intelligent. She has this
amazing personality which you would not find in all other well-to-do ladies out
there. And for the record, she is one of the very few people I know who don’t
eat meat. She said it is because of environment lessons. She is literally a
Cinderella meets Mother Earth. And she’s harmless – I’d reiterate. I don’t need
to say more.
Ninth is Rowen. Including him in this list is
something I would never do had I decided to write this a year ago. Everyone
close to me knows I had a bad history with him. And when I say bad, I am
referring to rocky roads, rough edges and messy undertakings. Rowen is someone
who I used to label as my “most favourite kid”. Of all people I met on this
university, I would conclude that he has the strangest blend of the best and
worst personalities. I’d say that his light side is what kept us close two
years ago. I had so much fun watching him do things I never thought he would do
and I enjoyed everything there is that he did. I knew him as someone who was so
disciplined, honest and full of respect most kids of our generation do not
possess anymore. With just one small mistake, everything in me that involved
him went down the sink. I am paranoid and my worst fear is rejection. That one
year of no talks and no interactions killed me. It changed me a lot especially
with the way I treat my friends. But I guess my coming to RS has been the
sign for a change of pace. I never thought that I could and would be spending
mornings rolling in the bed and talking about funny things with him. I know
that a lot has changed and some things just cannot be just the way they were
before. Though I am still uncomfortable with him not calling me “Kuya” and I am
still irritated when he picks on me unlike anything he’s done two years ago, I
thank God for sending him back. He may be the best friend I never had but he
will remain as one of the people who became closest to me. It is something
always worth-remembering.
Lastly, there’s Jay. The most childish kid I met is the one
who also made me realize how childish I am myself. Spending a semester as
roommates, I knew him in a considerable depth. I learned what his wants, dreams
and aspirations are. I got to know what makes him happy and what pisses him off
so bad. I could say that the annoying and childish parts of him are what other
people notice first about him. I, however, was lucky enough to have experienced his
selfless side. He was so selfless that it was me who became selfish. We bonded
like brothers, given the fact that I do not have a biological one. But lately,
it must have sucked a lot for him. I treated him like someone so insignificant.
Since I transferred to another dorm, I became bitter and annoying to him. I
guess it’s what others do not know about me.
When I nag and pick on people, I don’t always mean harm to them. In the
contrary sometimes, it is my way of showing them how much I care. It is sometimes
a channel of my being sorry for not being able to be with them on moments I
regret not having a part with. He is patient, I couldn’t disagree to that. But
his patience has somewhat reached a point of no return after all my
frustrations, anxieties and disappointments were poured heavily on him. I did
it since we were that close and I thought that he would understand. I was wrong
and I admit I was so mean. I verify my mistakes. I have done, undisputedly, a
lot of unforgivable sins. Though I hate people who refuse to greet me on my
birthday though they know it, I think I can forgive him for not doing so.
This period in my life made me realize that I should be more sensitive with
others’ feelings no matter how sure I am of them. And some people are not really
good with forgiveness. Jay is just the perfect example. I pray for things to be
back the way they were or at least become normal. And I think, with all my
might, that I really should keep praying.
My 2012 is yet
my best year in terms of the diversity of the events I witnessed and people who
came and went in my life. Some would say that I am blessed while I say that a
part of me is cursed. I confess that friendships are my weakness, rejection is
my greatest fear and loneliness kills me. But when I have people who love me
unconditionally and true friends around, all the years of my life will never be
years of regrets. I just feel sorry that sometimes I commit awful mistakes,
cross boundaries unintentionally, and become unnoticeably selfish. There are
just some parts of me that may hurt – some things that may never change. And
for those people who still accept me back with open arms, saying words of how
grateful I am for your presence will never be enough. Nor will actions suffice
everything. I just wish that you would be part of my years until my last. Until
gravity doesn't pull me back anymore.#
