“For the first time in my life, I am not
afraid to lose you anymore.”
I never thought that I’d say this to you.
Never did I expect that those words would come out of my mouth and break into
the fog that envelopes this narrow pathway we are in. You turn your back from
me and started taking void footsteps. From behind, I see you raise your hand
and wave it slowly. Then you run away. You run slow first then later you rush
like you are chased by an everyday demon. Yes, you are running away. I always
knew it would end this way.
The coldness had been clothing my pale skin
for quite a long time but the rain is just starting to pour right now. Like the
half-betraying, half-discomforting rain, my emotions begin to simmer within
dangerous zones. It poured little by little at first. It hit me like random
needles next. And now the rain seems like it desperately wants to erase me from
the face of the earth. My emotions did the same. These sensations slowed my
breathing first. Next, they made both my weary hands shake. And now, they’re
pushing tears up to my eyes and out rolling down my numb cheeks. My tears meet
the rain finally. I always knew it would end this way.
You forgot all your promises while I kept on
forgiving all your untimely oblivions. As I walk forward, all these bricks in
the wall recount all our near-end memories. Do you remember how we quarrelled
over what movies to watch together at cold nights? I ended up crying with the
movie you chose and you ended up thanking me for the one I chose. Do you
remember how I tried to memorize your favorite song though I hate the
voice of its singer so much? Do you remember how you pushed yourself to eat a
food which you always loathed just because it’s my favorite? Do you remember those many times when I sent
you text messages that said I was sorry when you got mad at me? I texted you
twice every minute for a whole day and I only stopped at night when I had fallen
asleep out of depression. After that, you ended up sending me as twice as many
messages saying you already forgave me. You did it until dawn thinking I went
mad at you too. Just perfectly with the advent of sunrise, I went rushing to
your house. When we saw each other, we both saw the best-friends-gone-berserk
looks in our morning faces. I explained everything to you then you laughed hard
and hit me even harder in the back after all was crystal clear. Do you remember how you got mad at me when I
made you wait for long at a park but I even got madder at you when you forgot
that it was our special day? Do you remember all those times? I do. I loved
everything about them. But you lost me. You lost yourself. You lost us. You
settled on the bruises. I know deep inside me that you do not remember any of
them while I remember every single moment vividly. I always knew it would end
this way.
I finally reach home.
The rain stops now as well. As I look up at the sky, the rays of the sun start
their diaspora at all possible directions. I see the clouds smiling back at me
again. The blue skies above me spell out hope and the lining creates a new
beginning. I bow down and look back at
the path I took before I came here standing next to my door. I look closely. There’s
something that makes me scared, fragile and vulnerable all at the same time. I
see us. The two of us are smiling at the left side of the path. Both of us are
also there in the right side. With red, swollen eyes, we are wiping our own
tears. But what I see most clearly is the image of two seemingly disoriented
yet free people in the middle of the pavement walking away. There’s me, there’s
you. We are pacing uninterrupted leaving everything behind. In a single stretch
of this very moment, I see you and me very, very far away. I always knew it
would end this way.
All these images
dissolve slowly as the daylight conquers the entire place again. I decide to go
inside. Just right after I open the door and walk in, again for the last time, I
look back involuntarily. I should take it slow. You. There you are. It is not
anymore a product of my mindless daydreaming or a result of my haunting
nightmares. It is really you all soaked with the rain, breathing heavily and
with deep, speaking eyes looking straight at me. Why do we have to end this way?
My mind whispers some meaningful words to my wounded soul. It is because you
wanted it to end this way. I smile at you and then I close my door gently. We,
both of us, knew it would end this way.#
