Depressed because of the cruel enrolment flow, I took the 10-minute walk to my room with vengeful thoughts racing to fill my heart. I stopped striding swiftly when I reached the soulless hallway of the dormitory. A forceless push on the door of my room was needed in order not to disturb whatever it was that my roommates were up to inside. The room had no light except for tiny rays of the outside dusk gleaming through the dusty jalousies. The phone of my oldest roommate rang above his head so he answered the call half-asleep. My other roommate, the silent one, was staring closely at the monitor of his laptop. Like it was the vaguest movie he's ever seen his whole life. I asked them both if I could turn the big light on since it was getting dark. The silence that followed was their implicit approval. One click at the button and I was on my own. I was all alone from the start. No roommates now. Just all by myself. So, I turned that big light off again.

It's been two weeks since I made my hardest comeback in the campus. A lot of things are now hanging tight. They've been so stagnant that every slight swing means death. However, the fact that I've been recently spending all my lonesome nights in my room with nobody, covers my emotions from the tendency of breaking down easily. This ironic feeling is way too opposite from what I always had when it talks about roommates. Their memories haunt me in my dreams. I miss how they invite me to watch a movie then we go screaming at each other's ears when we see horror movies, banging our chairs as we laugh at even the most useless films, and trying to divert the topic when the movie starts to break some hearts. We shared childhood stories as we scrubbed the floor. We talked about academic frustrations as we waxed the four corners of our room. We asked each other's future plans as we rearranged our personal stuffs then cracked jokes later almost making the food stuck on our throats as we ate the snacks for finale. We begged each other to sleep during hard study nights, trying to think of the bad health effects of this habit. And at moments of adversity, they were the ones that helped me through even if I didn't seek their support. They're more like brothers. The ever-thoughtful ones. They always saw it through my eyes. Eyes which whispered a plead they always answered with commitment. But how? How? How can they all be nothing more than just a fiction? They're people who just exist in my wildest imaginations.

Then the truth finally settles down as I embrace my pillow burying all the lies that seem to enclose my bed like a gate with diamond-shaped fences. Now that I feel so knocked-down by the outside world, the darkness becomes my confidant and the silence converts the sorrow into a temporal calmness. There always comes a day that everything feels so wrong no matter how hard I try to make it right. I always wake up full of plans, aspirations and refreshed hopes but hours after, the domino effect ends with me standing there in the corner, head down, heart sunken. I seem to be a stranger amidst an unknown crowd. Tonight, I feel like cutting all my social ties and stay frozen in the dark. My life looks so messed up and scathed. I dreamt of sitting in a bench at night watching the taillights of busy cars illuminate the Eiffel Tower. I wished to be swinging under some palm trees on a beach in the Carribbean witnessing birds fly over the setting sun. I imagined myself riding a bicycle while crossing some evergreen farms in New Zealand, capped with snow. And I wondered if I could see, through a window of a house situated on a hill overlooking, the rush of the water flowing from the Niagara Falls. Up to this point, I realize that even in my dreams, I still prefer to be alone. That's why when I stumble, I never want someone else to pick me up. It has always been myself who I expect to save me. But guess what? I don't trust myself. If it happened once, I hardly did.

So to speak with honesty, if I could just have the chance, I'd like not to have anyone anymore to come and show up here in my room. Why bother to need someone to fix your own damage for you? When you don't even know what to fix and where to start with. If you don't understand yourself first, believe me, you'll be stuck in that dark room alone forever.#

I'm just so problematic. Swear! Thanks for reading anyway. :) goodnight!