WHEN INSANITY HAS TO FADE
6:42:00 PM
[So here's the first romantic-loser inspired blog posts I have ever made. This is from my FB Note]
My feet were badly frozen. Outside's fog never stopped stalking my every move. I grabbed the hot coffee then started blowing it. My skin trapped the coffee's heat and even my fingernails embraced the cup I was holding. The room was pitched dark so I had to turn my lamp on. The rain was still there. It's already a quarter after 2 AM and my blanket's never as soft as it was before. I found comfort for a moment and I tucked my back on the wall afterwards. I grasped the blue scented paper beside me and chuckled as I read it. The words on the paper went like this:
"This is one of those nerve-wracking moments. When you're in a situation that you don’t have any single piece of clue what to do next, you always feel so numb. It's been weeks now since we last talked. I never even thought that I could endure the undeniable emptiness without her around. To let yourself be punished by a deep pain of longing makes you aware that suffering is an integral part of learning.
I get easily distracted by sweet love songs whenever they come around. They would always remind me of how one smile changed my once naïve existence. I keep on changing songs hoping and waiting for a melody that will fill this eroded part of my already shattered heart. Unnoticeable as it may seem, I never realized that never can a song, no matter how hard you search for it, turn back time and fix an error that immediately made your world heartlessly dark. This puzzle has been so endless. The pain lingers. I keep on running and running to find the answer. Unfortunately, I carry nothing home.
I tried to cite some instances that pushed me to behave in a cold way like I do now. I almost spattered the ink of my pen on this paper when I thought of those childish reasons I easily took on account. I hate it when I ask something and I am not granted. I abhor a lot of promises not taken seriously. I detest conversations which are homogeneous and stagnant. I am irritated with mood swings. And I really, really hate it when something in her changes. Selfish, without a doubt, but I still reckoned those tiny situations, kept them intact, encrusted them in my thoughts and bang! I started acting strangely.
Staring her bewildered eyes and just letting her softly pass me by are the hardest parts in the process. In am now missing her morning greetings with those text messages that woke me up. I am longing for those moments that her bare smiles mysteriously prolong the time when we're together. The way that she works things is impressive. That is also something I am already craving to see again. But how she transformed my life's simple pages into colorful ones follows the same pattern of how blooming flowers start to wither. Her eyes, her laughter, her voice and her touch are now gone. Already gone.
I admit, I'd be so hypocrite if I don't, that she's the biggest reason why I still considered those insane days as lucky for me. She's the only one who lights a fighting candle amidst my total darkness. I dreamt of that very first time my eyes recognized her, that time when we first met. I rushed after her and swiftly said I was sorry. She turned back slowly and whispered, "Have we met before?" The rolling winds started to blow, drawing her farther and farther from me. I never had a chance of holding her one more time. I wasn't even able to tell her how much she means to me. I thought that I knew where she belongs. I guess I should think it over. Over again.
I stood and told myself to get her back no matter what it takes for I once promised her that she will be the only problem I would ever want to have forever. Suddenly, someone rubs my back so gently so I turn around to find out who the angel is and there I find her smiling. If it's till a dream, can I ask God to let me stay here longer? Because I know that if time comes in between, this heavenly smile will never be the same again."
Shoot! The guy who wrote this is absolutely pathetic. He should have swallowed his pride since it's obvious that the girl he is referring to can be compared to the very air he is breathing. She was his life- everything that beautifully meant for him. Yet, he's a loser! A major one! It'd be one of those stupid regrets he'd hate to be reminiscing.
The fog didn't just seem to be stalking, it seemed like it wanted to be the bed I was lying in. I was the only one left awake so I slowly turned the lamp off and glanced in that blue scented paper for a while. I turned the lamp on again and laughed out so loud. A small tear popped out my left eye and dropped on the paper. I realized that I wrote this note three nights ago and the story is mine. I keep reading this every night until my insanity has to fade.#
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