[Another post from before copied from facebook. Oh well. This was controversial. It had to draw a lot of cooncerned people out. This is about the one and only subject I failed. Ever.]

October 17, 2009

“Shit!”was the word I whispered on the window glass of the semi-ragged
jeepney I was riding on my way home
yesterday. The feeling that amputated
my consciousness from my mind was
deemed irreconcilable. I was super
weird. I felt like I was extremely stupid. I wanted to drive the jeepney into a
place where I left something I would
ever regret. I wanted to fly myself there
and clear everything. But Mindanao
State University Main Campus, Marawi
City is tiresomely miles away. The jeep stopped at my place then I rushed
immediately to my room. My dumb tears
started rolling down my weak cheeks
and I realized that it’s too late. My God, it is too late.

It all started with a surprising text
message I received on the ride. It was
from my dormmate Dann Jason Arbiol.
It read somewhat like he was asking
me why the remark on my PE3 grade in
Akan (more popularly Kiosk beside EDP) was RED!!! Swift thoughts of
depression, worries and fretfulness
flooded my preoccupied head. At first, I
just smiled pretending that perhaps,
yeah maybe, it is just a joke. But hey!
Dann doesn’t joke that way! I replied him with some queries but cellular
network barriers caused his
subsequent silence. I had been so
restless from that time on when
another friend, Cindy, confirmed it to
me boldly in contrast with Dann’s euphemistic approach. Cindy texted,
“Unya na naq itxt imung mga grades, OK mn! Except sa imung PE3 5.0 sya. ” At that very moment, I did not hesitate
anymore to the tearing down reality
that the university has already
considered this failing grade of mine in
its system. It’s so hard to accept that for the first, I really failed a subject! Bang! I
cannot take that I am to face a lot of
consequences which I know might
alter my lifestyle, my personal views in
life or worst… my entire personality. I do not have any idea on what is at
stake after this but I am certain of one
unspecified thing to occur- Change.

I already told some fellows about it and
their primary rebuttal focused on my
performance in the subject. Honestly, I
could say that my performance is poor
compared with my other classmates
who know Sepak Takraw well. But undoubtedly, I am not the bottom in
the class neither the worst of them.
Though few did great at practical
exams, the majority are in the same
range of output level. I know to myself
that I really do not deserve the grade. I have attended 9 out of total 11
meetings we had all throughout the
semester. I would want to hear my
teacher’s side about it to concede the emptiness I am feeling for this incident.
But I guess no word will be enough to
fulfill this need for I am now drenched
with an absolute fluid of unfairness. It
leads me astray.

Looking on the dark side, it seems like
the sun’s not rising anymore for me. First, my Transcript of Records forever
will burden this mess and no matter
what I do, the glaringly shining-
shimmering-splendid 5.0 will never be
ditched. Ever. And now, Blimey! I want
to write in a large placard the sentence, “I AM NOT A SCHOLAR ANYMORE !”
Shame fits into my soul. My registration
in the dormitory will not be for free
then. I’d have more expenses on enrolment time. And obviously, my
CGPA will suffer for the rest of my
college life. I just can’t believe that the foundation I have been striving to
strengthen is now torn destructively in
a whip by a deteriorating grade in
Physical Education. I do not even have
the courage now to tell someone what
my current cgpa is. But above all is the financial aspect of this loss. I haven’t told my mother yet. I don’t know how to explain that the monthly stipend,
book and transportation allowances
that help her cope my studies up are
gone. Already gone.

I now feel the
terrible effect for this once-in-a-lifetime
loss. This is indeed painful.

TUGON: For the calls and text messages from
friends and concerned folks out there,
daghan salamat sa iju tanan. Though I
am weary, you keep my feet on
standing. Kang Katrina & Jordan who
have rendered me the best advices, I am so thankful for those.. Overproven
na jud! Kamu jud ako closest friends.
Kang Dann, Cindy, Tay G, Kuya Ge,
Alyannah, Bambi, Jenny, Rohaira at Sir
Sultan!.. Salamat sa mga concern.. ug
kang Iriss, hmp. Madam! Dili jus japun ka motuo? Ambot na lang.. ha-ha, awh,
peace! I should still wear a smile in spite of this,
I know. I would just want to read your
advices and knowledge about the
ciurcumstances surrounding this one.
What should I do? Is there something
to do? I have loads of wonders but however, I know.. God will always be
there.. I really miss the peace in my mind.#